What Might Have Been

When I was 11-years old, I walked into Mrs. Boyd's 6th grade homeroom class and fell head over heels in love with a girl. She hadn't even begun shaving her legs yet but this didn't matter. She was the smartest, most mature, sexiest person I had ever seen. She was funny, athletic, musical, and popular. I stole the attendance sheet to learn her last name. In my sixth grade mind, we were meant to be together. As we grew older, she began shaving her legs and we became the off again on again couple. In my adoration, I always imagined that the many off-periods were temporary. In fact, of course, it was the times we were together that were fleeting.

Our grandparents coincidentally lived in the same town in Florida so we'd meet on occaision during winter breaks and sit around for awkward family time. One glorious night, the two of us went skinny dipping in the Gulf of Mexico. She made me promise not to look and although I swear I would have committed innumerable sins to see her naked, I kept my promise.

Realizing that she and I were drifting apart, I made a last ditch effort to reach her. Shortly after the Christmas before I turned 18, I confessed my love to her one night on that same beach. I knew she wouldn't reciprocate but I wanted her to know how much she meant to me.

Even after that, we'd meet occasionally at night to watch the movie Grease and make out. I knew by now that we couldn't be a long term thing but--and I know this sounds ridiculous--I wasn't about to walk away from these last few nights.

We graduated and headed off to college; she to a prestigious school, and me to one a little less so, six hours away (coincidence). The last I saw of her, she was a college freshman singing a capella and writing music.

That was nine years ago.

Tonight we met for drinks. She is happily married now and has a beautiful baby girl. We caught up on nine years of different pasts and eight years of shared ones. We finally brought closure to something that had ended awkwardly and with too many things unsaid. She confessed that she was turned off--all those years ago-- by my irresponsibility and lack of ambition. I understood. For my part, what could I say? She was the only partner I have ever loved unconditionally. But I had masked whatever good qualities I'd had, instead preferring to do all the things I felt I was being told not to do.

Tonight, the two of us looked at each other and for a few minutes we both thought about what might have been. I say what might have been because we probably won't ever be close again. She is married and I've moved on. But I had a truly wonderful eight years with her in my life. It was great to see her and hear that she is doing well. She set the bar by which all others have been measured.

Signs of the Apocalypse

If slow painful death had a soundtrack it would be The Fray's cover of Kanye West's Heartless.

I am a liar

Me retiring from writing this blog is like Brett Favre retiring from football. Well... ok not exactly like that. I guess these colors don't run or fade.

Today's Agenda

Snickerdoodles and fresh coffee

Resculpt through publicity

Give Bety (the spreadsheet of awesomeness) a facelift

Yoga

Draft nasty letter to tenants

Get reimbursed for that time when I smashed my hand avoiding a striking rattlesnake

Gay line dancing with girlfriend

Bathe?

Weeds?

Not Quick Vick

For the last two years, sports reporters struggling for material have had a constant fallback in convicted felon Michael Vick, who did time for financing a dog fighting ring. With Vick's conditional reinstatement to the NFL coming this week, speculation abounds about which team will take a chance on the former number one draft pick.

I just can't get motivated for this story. Vick was a mediocre quarterback who hasn't played football now in over two years. Even if he does sign with a team (and he will), I predict he will never maintain a starting job in the NFL. Oh he'll get some starts at some point, but he could never throw accurately and it's my prediction that he won't run well either.

Football at the highest level is an incredibly fast game. Vick's talent lay in his ability to outrun defenders. Blazing speed is a temporary gift, one that leaks out as age creeps in. Speed drops especially quickly when one is confined to a small room for 19 months.

Bottom line: Vick is popular in the media because he financed the killing of dogs. This story will fade over the next few years along with his career.

The Thinnest of Lines

From Conundrum and Castle Peaks

I have in my possession 70-some photos proving that four friends and I summitted Castle Peak from Conundrum Hot Springs. To look at those photos, you'd think we traversed a crumbly mountain, made our way across and up a steep gully into and out of a high mountain amphitheater as we climbed a jagged ridge to a saddle between two peaks before climbing both.


credit Thomas Fuller

We did all this. But what the pictures don't show is that it took us 12 hours to go up and down less than 3.5 miles. Three of our group didn't make it back before nightfall. I made it before dark, but not before vomiting from a combination of the migraine I'd endured and the Hydrocodone I'd popped several hours before. I felt so sick that upon arrival at camp, I skipped dinner and naked time in the hot springs, preferring instead to writhe in my tent like the invalid from The Secret Garden.



Was the trip a success? I guess so, but you tell me. Put one way, it's another notch on our five belts. But no one who saw me that day would say I conquered the mountain--especially the guy who who slipped in my vomit. It's ironic because sometimes I think the whole reason I climb mountains is because it's so easy to judge whether one succeeds or fails.



Which brings me to business ethics class and drug use. My professor says that traders in many of the international firms snort more coke than Amy Winehouse. But they can produce for 20 hours straight. I don't know anything about that but I can tell you that Adderoll is all over the poker world and it's getting more and more difficult to argue with the drug's results. Even Sherlock Holmes had his 7% solution. Meanwhile, people in Major League Baseball are praying to the two-seam Gods that Albert Pujols, America's Pastime's last great hope doesn't get caught on anything.

I'm glad to report that rampant drug use and a shattered family life are both absent from my own life but it nevertheless seems to me that success and failure are separated by the thinnest of lines, especially for those of us without a publicist. I'm putting myself through grad school but I often feel that I'm staving off insanity one martini at a time.



Is success even real or is it merely an Aristotelian ideal somewhere in the ether that we're all snorting? Even if it is real, by what baseline are we measuring success, and at what cost? We lament the fact that Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid is in bad health and has a terrible family life but it's more comfortable to applaud his NFC Championship 4-peat and then cut to a commercial break.



The message I'm hearing from B-School is that if it's within the rules and it's profitable, it's successful. This from the school that just cut two classes from my degree without reducing "annual tuition." Great Success!

Big News!!!

Walker and Jessica are engaged to married!!

I hoped this day would come. I am so grateful to bear witness to their next step. 

Their relationship has completely reset my understanding of the degree to which two people can compliment each other.  As their their love flourishes so do each of them. They are great as individuals and will always be capable of standing alone. But as good as they are singly, they are even better together. I have never seen him as happy as when he is with her. Put simply, Jess and Walker are wonderful. 

Now let the celebration begin!!!!!! :)

Colors Fading

I haven't blogged much in the last few months and this trend is likely to continue. A few reasons why:

1. I have a girlfriend. Blogging about the single life was fun and interesting. Blogging about one's relationship is distasteful.
   
2. School is not worth blogging about and it keeps me quite busy.
   
3. For various reasons, much of what I do workwise is not really fit for public consumption.
   
4. Since moving from Livejournal, the number of comments I receive per blog has dropped by about half. (it appears that to raise this, I must blog about John and Kate +8)
   
5. No one gives a crap about my music tastes.
   
6. Recommendations from Doctors, Physical Therapists, Massage Therapists, and most of my friends to spend more time offline.
   
7. Increasingly I find that what's actually on my mind is inappropriate for a public blog.
   
8. Twitter
   
9. Facebook
10. Most people use online communication to improve their public image. This blog has never done that for me.

Bottom line, I'll still be posting from time to time because it's cheaper than therapy but maybe it's time to change your homepage to something else.

The Sin Full Sound

In a few hours, I'm headed back to Vegas. 1 part vacation with Amanda, 1 part work. Topping the playlist:

The Killers - A Dustland Fairytale - YouTube

I came late to the Killers' party but I'm sure glad I made it. The Killers represent the less glitzy side of Vegas, a little sad, a little dusty, but still somehow awesome. (Incidentally, the song doesn't start until 1:09 into the video. Before then there is some kind of The Outsiders gang fight going on. Meh.) 

Silversun Pickups - Surrounded (Or Spiraling)

I'm not sure what to say other than how is Surrounded not getting massive airtime? The perfect start to a very solid album. 

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll - Freaky YouTube Video

This awesome song sums up poker in three short words. Over 6,000 people in the World Series of Poker Main Event dancing till they're dead. 

Scary

My favorite Denver Broncos fan blog just displayed an ad for Latisse, some kind of Chia Pet-like eyelash growing liquid. Two responses to this:

1. What the heck is an eyelash growth treatment ad doing on a football blog?
   
2. How did they know I pluck my eyelashes when I get bored? :)