Saturday, January 24, 2009

A night alone


Walker and Jess are gone from the house tonight. I don't have (night) school, a DVR'd football game, dancing, a bar engagement, or any other commitments. I had a few invites, for which I'm very grateful (b/c I almost never initiate contact). I briefly discussed the possibility of a night hike with GNightMoon but when that didn't materialize, I decided I'd really enjoy spending a night alone.

Of course I'm never truly alone. There's a little bass coming from the apartment upstairs and my cat Roxy is never far from my ears. Also, since I live facing a busy street, if I want to see or be seen I just have to raise the blinds in my kitchen. But aside from those few distractions, tonight I'm inside alone.

Last night I discussed Myers Briggs personality types with Willowjp4. I told her I think I'm an ENTJ, otherwise known as The Executive. Why do I bring this up? Because it explains my behavior and my lack of nights off. I constantly find myself working, studying in groups, or frantically trying to maintain social connections (of varying degrees of actual importance to me). I probably make a good roommate because although I insist on a level of cleanliness from others that I can barely maintain myself, I am rarely around.

Since school began, I've felt extremely busy. I have cut out volleyball, TV, social dancing, and Netflix, and my personal hygeine often falls to alarming lows. Yet I still blow my friends off on a regular basis (although I try to distribute the no's equally) and turn in homework that was frantically completed an hour before class. Recently I've been questioning my lifestyle choices. Why do I feel a drive to be successful in work and school yet find myself dragging my feet? If I'm not going to be the best at something must I compete so hard for second best? Why do I often pour myself into activities solely because I think I should, even if they don't make me particularly happy?

As you can probably tell, spending nights alone is actually something I generally avoid. It's a bit dangerous. Too often, I find myself gravitating toward a state of melancholia. But tonight was a much needed respite from the busy lifestyle I constantly construct (and am seriously questioning). Although it's late and I'm sharing the evening with Fiona Apple and a tumbler of Buffalo Trace, I'm in no way blue. If I did this every night, I'd probably kill myself but every now and then, being alone feels very very good.

4 comments:

tallpalegrrl said...

At 8:41pm it's late? Hm.

TheGraveWolf said...

I also like to live dangerously.

"Why do I often pour myself into activities solely because I think I should, even if they don't make me particularly happy?"

The first step is realization. Now you must harness the courage to follow through on the natural progression that leads from your above statement. I hope you succeed.

Io said...

There was a book written a decade or two ago that talked about stages in one's life. Your quote, "Why do I often pour myself into activities solely because I think I should, even if they don't make me particularly happy?" is a classic 20 Something to think. The 30's are much better!

Jessica M. said...

Yes to both the good roommate and the bad hygiene. Though, actually, you don't smell that bad this week.