A night alone

Walker and Jess are gone from the house tonight. I don't have (night) school, a DVR'd football game, dancing, a bar engagement, or any other commitments. I had a few invites, for which I'm very grateful (b/c I almost never initiate contact). I briefly discussed the possibility of a night hike with GNightMoon but when that didn't materialize, I decided I'd really enjoy spending a night alone.

Of course I'm never truly alone. There's a little bass coming from the apartment upstairs and my cat Roxy is never far from my ears. Also, since I live facing a busy street, if I want to see or be seen I just have to raise the blinds in my kitchen. But aside from those few distractions, tonight I'm inside alone.

Last night I discussed Myers Briggs personality types with Willowjp4. I told her I think I'm an ENTJ, otherwise known as The Executive. Why do I bring this up? Because it explains my behavior and my lack of nights off. I constantly find myself working, studying in groups, or frantically trying to maintain social connections (of varying degrees of actual importance to me). I probably make a good roommate because although I insist on a level of cleanliness from others that I can barely maintain myself, I am rarely around.

Since school began, I've felt extremely busy. I have cut out volleyball, TV, social dancing, and Netflix, and my personal hygeine often falls to alarming lows. Yet I still blow my friends off on a regular basis (although I try to distribute the no's equally) and turn in homework that was frantically completed an hour before class. Recently I've been questioning my lifestyle choices. Why do I feel a drive to be successful in work and school yet find myself dragging my feet? If I'm not going to be the best at something must I compete so hard for second best? Why do I often pour myself into activities solely because I think I should, even if they don't make me particularly happy?

As you can probably tell, spending nights alone is actually something I generally avoid. It's a bit dangerous. Too often, I find myself gravitating toward a state of melancholia. But tonight was a much needed respite from the busy lifestyle I constantly construct (and am seriously questioning). Although it's late and I'm sharing the evening with Fiona Apple and a tumbler of Buffalo Trace, I'm in no way blue. If I did this every night, I'd probably kill myself but every now and then, being alone feels very very good.